Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Sign at work today
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Emma is smarter than all of us.
March 16
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“i am a sweet baby”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.