romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals