Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

One of the best

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural