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To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h