Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

what’s in a name?

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”