romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.