romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You Might Also Like
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Called it
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena