@ArielSElias

Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.

Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.

- @ArielSElias

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

[interrogation room]

me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer

@Lhlodder

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@amfmpm

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

@TrueTorontoGirl

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

@CanadianCyn

If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks