*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Duck typos.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!