Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Merry Christmas

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.