Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

how high up are we talkin’?

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I hope it’s French Onion!

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.