Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Seek kebab; not attention

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

#titanic

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now