[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos