[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Time heals everything 🙂
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
absolute chaos
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife