Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

reviewed some movies recently

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Do not levitate over flowers

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt