[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret