Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Google assistant rules

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

certified hallow’s eve classic

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Perfect

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats