Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Clients after you give them your rates

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

What do you call a retired miner?

Doug

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

And bowling should be called pinball

Eat…

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.