Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020