Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

January has been Januweary

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it