Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.