*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes