*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
At least my masseuse has my back.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.