The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.