Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie