Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

#Caturday

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.