Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”