Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
