Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Has there ever been a more American story?

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

🤣😂

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.