*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.