Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Coffee for people with no kids
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.