Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.