Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
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Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.