Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

That was easy.

ㅤ

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore