Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Customize Your Wedding.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it