[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Phones down.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Fights fire with marshmallows