Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife