Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’