Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope