[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
They’re stuck in your pants?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
welp
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”