[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting