Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He-man has a Masters degree

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.