Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning