Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
wtf is a larm clock?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early