Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?