Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

*lint rolls you awake*

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.