Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

S O O N

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.