Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.