Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

o shit

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

im gay on my mothers side

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*