Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…