Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Good for him.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.