Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

(Musicians.)

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

My life coach traded me.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.