Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Good morning.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.