Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

🗽

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black