Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

(by @ZachWeiner )

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?