“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
🤣😂🤣😂
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.