Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️