Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda


*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”


Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.


Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO


A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado


“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors


ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.