Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
scenes of unspeakable carnage