[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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Seems legit
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Challenge accepted.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
just having fun
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker