Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Air conditioning – not a fan

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

sensitive skin

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Ironic

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.