[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Air conditioning – not a fan
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
sensitive skin
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Ironic
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.