[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.