Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car