Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
ACED my prostate exam!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
This bar smells like my childhood.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it