Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.