Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.