Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
airing out the snack pack
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
🐕🍷
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.