Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

When I can’t barge, I careen.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces