Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.