Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.