Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting