Ron is short for Aaronald
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets