Ron is short for Aaronald
You Might Also Like
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2