Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER