Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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